My daughter started daycare a couple of days ago, she was great the first day (granted it was a half day that turned in to 3/4 day because she was so tuckered out and had a longer nap). She did a full day the next day and the next day she was home with me and VERY clingy. Did not want to be put down to walk (holding my fingers) or play. When I left the room within seconds she was right behind me. She did get better by the evening when we went to my parents place and there was her 13 yr old cousin playing with a ball (she couldn't get there fast enough to play with her it seemed). She is off to daycare again this morning and doing well (as far as I know). As much as I LOVE the fact that she missed me so much...how do I help her adjust and realize that mommy may leave, but will always comes back?

Starting day-care is a really big transition for many kids. Day-care can be a loving and wonderful experience for kids, but it is an adjustment. To help ease this transition, make sure that you are close and connected to your daughter as she is adjusting to this big change. What I am going to advise will sound a little counter intuitive, especially when she is glued to your leg. In your little one’s mind, your bond is a little shaky right now—you were there all the time and now you disappear for long periods. She needs reassurance that the bond is still strong even though you are away from each other. Many kids get whiney and clingy and won’t let their parents out of their site during this stage. She is trying to communicate to you that she is panicking; you are most likely trying to reassure her that she is fine. What starts to happen is that instead of feeling reassured she is feeling that you are just not getting how big a deal this is for her. The more you tell her to relax, give you space or let go, the more she will panic and cling.

Many parents find that their kids also get whiney and defiant during this stage. They may even act out, causing their parents to get very frustrated. Children, for whatever reason, get anxious when they act out and start to feel less lovable because they know there behaviour is not great. This then causes them to act out more because they think to themselves, “Okay, if mommy doesn’t love me, I’m going to be miserable and at least that way I will know why.” They also worry while apart from you that all that yucky behaviour will mean you won’t miss them while you are gone.

So here’s what you can do. There are lots of wonderful children’s books that you can read together that can help you in a light, fun way talk about the fact that you have to go to work but you will always come back.

In the times that you are with her on weekends and in the evenings let her cling. Bear with me—I know how crazy this sounds, but I promise it will work. You hug her, pick her up, scoop her up, even initiate the clinging and cling tighter when she does. Don’t be sarcastic and try to be genuine. Baby her more, cuddle her more, and within a few days she will be saying things like “ that’s enough, Mommy, “ and maybe even pulling away. I describe in detail how to use this connecting play in my book but it really does strengthen kids emotionally make them more resilient and helps them be more confident in their bond. This works with all kinds of situations where kids cling, want “uppy,” or who act in babyish ways sometimes.

Most importantly, leave her with messages of competence saying things like “I know you will be okay, I would not send you any place where I didn’t know you would be safe and loved. You can do this.” Make goodbyes confident and brief and leave it to the staff to get her settled. Long goodbyes only prolong the upset and make the transition into play and fun take longer. Hellos should also be confidant and neutral, “Hey, I love you. I knew you would be fine.” Don’t go overboard saying things like, “I missed you. It was so hard, I missed you so much all day” because you will be undermining your own message that leaving is not a worry. In no time goodbyes will be a breeze, you will have a more relaxed child when you are with her and day-care will be a happy and exciting addition to her life.