HELP! Ever since my husband and I were married, my in-laws interfered in our lives, constantly making plans with us, coming over without calling and also being very rude and insulting at times towards me (especially when my husband wasn't around). When we had our first child, it got worse, and now with our second, it's the worst it's ever been! They always tell us they want to be alone with our children and even when we do leave them it's never good enough. When we are together they take the children and go into other rooms or even leave the house. We have tried to speak to them so many times, had many arguments with them and they don't care. I can't stand not having control over my own family. It has gotten to a point where our marriage is about to collapse because of his family. Please help!
This is a very tough one. It sounds as though you have tried everything and the issue of boundaries and respect still remains a big problem. This is your family and feeling this powerless is not part of the deal. It is also complicated because these are your husband’s parents and no matter how mad they make you, this will always be true. The worst part of this seems to be that you have tried everything and the situation continues to get worse.
I seem to be writing about in-laws a lot lately. It is a very difficult topic and one many people struggle with. A good relationship with your in-laws is a blessing and can be a great source of support for the whole family. The importance of grandparents in a child’s life cannot be understated, but when things go wrong it can be a nightmare for everyone.
Do your best to shield your children from this conflict. It will only hurt them and cause them stress if they overhear you talking about their grandparents. It would be in everyone’s best interest if your in–laws would agree to go to some kind of counselling or mediation sessions with you and your husband, but I have a feeling that’s a long shot.
Because you have tried everything already, I will try to give you some tools that you may not have tried. This will not be easy but it just might take the edge off things for you. First you must remember that your in-laws’ behaviour has more to do with them than it does you. As hard as this sounds, you must find a way to not take their behaviour so personally. There is a book out there called The Four Agreements that will help with this. If you can rise above their insults and pushy behaviour you will find some freedom.
Next, you have to learn how to talk to them in ways that de-escalate them and that reduce their defensiveness. If you and your husband were on the same page with this issue it would help because you could be a united front. But it sounds like you are quite alone in this battle. My book describes a technique called the CALM technique. This is actually based on a powerful therapy technique called mirroring that de-escalates people and is very effective. I describe the technique in detail in my parenting book but the secret is, it works on everyone - husbands, bosses and in-laws.
My suggestion would be that you learn to use this technique to deal with your in-laws. Short of banning them from your house which has serious implications for everyone in your family, you have no choice as long as you are married. These people are part of your life, and you have to find a way to communicate with them so they can hear you, and respect your wishes.
This technique is so powerful, that endorphins and opiates release in the brain calming the person you are talking to. It just doesn’t always feel like what you want to do. Confronting them and challenging them has not worked nor will it. Ignoring them won’t work either. This means finding a way to communicate more effectively is the only option. The CALM technique is very difficult to explain in a few words, but I’ll try.
When you talk to them to hear what they have to say, first reflect it back without your agenda at least three times before making your point. Do not use any observatory statements like “it sounds like you feel...” Or “it must be frustrating for you”. Try to reflect back the urgency of what they are saying and sound like you are really trying to listen and understand even if you disagree. Once they have calmed down then you can make your point, set your boundary or ask for their compliance. If they escalate, stay neutral, getting angry will only make things worse. If they continue, tell them you respect yourself too much to be treated like this. Walk away and revisit the issue later.
Stay honest with yourself throughout this process and be aware of when you may be contributing to the issue. Use the same technique with your husband while you are discussing this issue with him. This is not the easy road by any means, but it is the high road and in the end you will be the bigger person.
Lean on family and friends for support, and good luck to you.
