My daughter is 28 months and has become quite a whiner. She doesn't do this for anyone except her father and I. She whines at all times of the day - before and after sleep, eating, while playing, when we are out. How do we encourage her to use calm words to express herself instead of whining?

This is such a great question and one so many parents grapple with. Few things are more irritating to the adult ear than whining, or “nose talking” as my daughter calls it. It is very difficult to deal with and can really push buttons for us as parents. I deal with whining in detail in my book, but I will do my best to give you some tips and suggestions that should work for you.  

First of all whining is a behavior and behavior is communication. In general, children communicate with their behavior rather than their words. They don’t come home from school and say, “Mom, it all started in the sandbox when Sarah took my shovel…” They come home and whine or pick on their siblings or fall apart when they don’t get to push the elevator button first.  

Kids tend to build up emotions and then let them out in different ways. Sometimes it’s a tantrum, sometimes it’s whining. Whining can also mean she is uncomfortable, not listened to, or feeling uneasy; but it can also mean that she has figured out that this behavior gets results.

Make sure you are listening to her; she may be telling you things in a more appropriate way and you are missing it or not really listening so she escalates to whining to get your attention--even your negative attention. The CALM technique (basically listening to the message first and reflecting it back) from my book usually stops whining in it tracks. You can then ask your daughter to repeat her message without whining. Give her lots of positive feedback and explain how much better that will work for her.

You can also try calling the whining something else like “the complaining bug,” which can sometimes help when you work out a problem together. Give her lots of attention throughout the day, lots of tickling, cuddling and “baby play” -- wonderful moments where she just feels delicious. Remember not to give her what she asks for if she uses that whiney voice or you will be reinforcing the behavior.

Behaviors don’t stick around if they are not rewarded. Use positives when she does say things differently and be patient. Getting angry rarely helps and often makes things worse.  It won’t get better overnight but you should see steady improvement as she learns other strategies.