It is common for children at this age to have tantrums. Often it is because their expressive language skills lag behind their receptive language abilities. This means there are more words inside their head than they can get out so it’s easier for them to hit, punch, pull or meltdown than it is for them to speak. This is especially true when they are upset or angry.
For a taste of what this feels like try talking for a couple of minutes without words that have the letter “N” in them. This will give you an idea of how frustrating and exhausting it can be to file through your head and come up with the words. Some other common causes of tantrums are tiredness, hunger, being over stimulated or overwhelmed. As parents, we should try to make sure our child will have success by watching for these triggers - but it is the “I want my way” tantrums that are often the most challenging.
Understanding tantrums is one thing, dealing with them is quite another. I like that you are doing your best to stay neutral, getting angry and “losing it” never helps and often only makes things worse and causes us to feel terrible later. It’s common for parents to keep their cool for a while and then get angry but it really it really doesn’t work. I call this having “moveable walls” - kids will keep upping the ante until you blow, that’s how they know the walls won’t move anymore and when they have hit the limit of what you will tolerate. Your son throws things down the stairs is an attempt to get you to react.
It is important to recognize that we can become part of the problem by providing our kids with the reaction they are looking for, an audience and a target for their display of emotion. They need to learn that they can soothe themselves, and that they can and will recover from whatever they’re feeling. There are some important things you can do to handle a tantrum effectively which will help your children learn this very important lesson.
Try giving him a time out in a different place, away from things that can be thrown. Try the bottom step of your staircase, a little chair or a pillow to sit on in a hallway. If he won’t stay there just keep walking him back, staying very neutral and not saying too much. He’s little so he doesn’t have to sit for long and you can stay near him as long as you look as though you are busy doing something else. Don’t engage.
If he won’t stay, keep walking him back until he sits for the a few minutes then when he is done, be warm and friendly as if none of it ever happened. If he ends up in time out again repeat the process. This may have to happen many many times, but stick with it. The trick is to stay neutral and not engage. Don’t worry about debriefing and talking to him about why he was in time out, just make sure you do the same things every time. It takes patience but it will work. Here are some other tips from a previous blog posting that may be helpful.
Try understanding first. Always start by empathizing. Use the CALM technique described in my book it is incredibly effective at defusing and deescalating tantrums in their tracks.
Never give in. It is okay, as a parent, to change your mind or reevaluate your decision, but never after your child has been rolling around on the carpet in a rage. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you give in to the behaviour, you may have dodged that tantrum but you've guaranteed another.
Don’t be afraid of the tantrum. Be neutral and confident. Children watch us, and if they see that we are having difficulty controlling our behavior they may feel it just can’t be done. So, the more you yell, the more hysterical you’ll both become.
Disengage. Don’t work so hard. Sometimes we become part of the problem. We start negotiating, pleading, cajoling and then threatening. All of which are fuel for the tantrums fire. In a neutral way, walk a few steps away and give what I call paradoxical permission... “Go ahead get it out. Cry if you have to, but you still cannot have that toy.”
Give messages of competence. Say things like. “You will be fine, you will feel o.k. in a few minutes you’ve gotten through this before, and I know you can do it”
Name the tantrum - At a time when your child is not upset. Give the tantrum a name like “Volcano Man" or the "No Monster,” so you can talk about it together and work on shrinking the tantrum so it doesn’t get in the way of having a nice time. You can then have some fun talking about how you are going to control the tantrum through calm breathing so he doesn’t get bigger.
Try adrenaline play. Have some fun with adrenaline games, hide-and-seek, obstacle courses over pillows in the basement, or tickling to increase adrenalin. This can help by substituting fun action games instead of some of those predictable evening tantrums.
Set limits. Set clear limits around behavior so your kids know the consequences ahead of time. This helps them to make good choices, and use strategies manage behavior.
Reward good choices. Remember to reward good behaviour. You can but don’t have to reward with something the child wants i.e. a treat, or sticker. There are lots other ways to positively encourage behaviour. You don’t have to have a parade about with elephants and marching bands, but you can compliment your child, tell a close relative when your child is within earshot, and create a “caughtcha being good chart”.
