Sara Dimerman is registered with the College of Psychologists of Ontario. She offers individual, couple and family counseling out of the Parent Education Resource Centre which she established in 1990.

She is an established expert on parenting, and is the author of ‘Am I a Normal Parent?’  (Hatherleigh Press, USA, 2008), & ’Character Is the Key (John Wiley & Sons, Canada, 2009). Sara is regularly quoted in magazine and newspaper articles and appears on radio and television across North America.

Help Me Sara's 10 Tips on Helping Couples Find Me & We Time 

Finding me and we time can be difficult, but not impossible. When figuring out how to create opportunities to spend time as a couple and time alone with adult friends, be aware of what most couples argue about and then learn how to overcome these arguments by reading my ten tips below:

1. The “it’s not fair” syndrome. Couples most commonly argue about who gets more time out. One may feel jealous or resentful that “he gets to go out with his friends while I’m at home continuing to do laundry and put the kids to bed.” Although you may feel angry or abandoned, try not to take his wanting to go out alone personally. It’s not usually a reflection of how he feels about you but is more about his needing some space to let go of his usual responsibilities. The trick to negotiating time apart is to understand one another’s personal needs and feelings (“confined,” “abandoned” or “overwhelmed” for example), then to try to accommodate each other without feeling that the arrangement is lopsided. Even if you don’t want to leave the house, perhaps even having time alone to take a bubble bath while your partner puts the kids to bed might feel more fair.

2. Neither gets time out.  Sometimes, life is so hectic with work and kids and other responsibilities, that neither person gets time out. It’s equally as important (if not more) for couples to find time to devote towards one another as it is for each to find time alone. So, make sure that you talk about how to make this happen. Some couples enjoy taking turns at planning date nights. Sometimes it’s easier to arrange to be together at the same time and day each week – even day time hours are good for dating.

3. Different expectations. Couples also commonly argue about how much social time each should spend apart. Each person’s expectations may be different. Usually these are not discussed before living together or getting married. So, whereas one person may believe that she should have the freedom to plan time away from her spouse or children whenever she chooses, her partner may feel that two nights out in a row is excessive. Understanding and acknowledging each other’s expectations and then compromising is important. Be sensitive to your partner’s concerns and be realistic about the lifestyle changes that need to be made once you take on the responsibility of being part of a couple or having children. 

4. Places off limit. Couples argue about where their partners should spend time with their friends. She might be fine with him hanging out at a friend’s home with a group of guys and playing poker but not okay with him hanging out with that same group of friends at a bar. He might be fine with her going out for coffee with a friend but not okay with her going away on vacation with a group of girls. Discuss the reasons for each other’s reservations, listen closely and consider the rationale behind each argument. It’s true that venturing into certain places where singles generally convene can be a recipe for trouble.  So, think about the consequences to your relationship if you continue to choose to go to places that your partner feels strongly against.  

5. Negative peer influences. Couples sometimes argue about who their partners should have time out with. She may prefer that he hang out with his married friends as opposed to his single mates. He may prefer that she not hang out with a particular friend who puts him down. Consider each other’s points of view and work at reassuring your partner that you will not be unduly influenced by your peers. Help him or her feel that you are on the same team.

6. Accessibility. Couples sometimes argue about how accessible each should be to the other when apart. She may be angry that his cell phone’s answering machine picks up after one ring and he may be angry that she leaves her cell phone at home when she goes out. It’s best if your partner feels that he or she can reach you even when you are apart, especially in case of an emergency. Make sure your cell phone is on vibrate so that even if you can’t hear the ringing, you’ll know that you are needed. Of course, each needs to be respectful of the other’s need for time away and shouldn’t be calling just to check up or in.

7. Weekends are sacred. Some couples decide on specific nights of the week for his and her nights out. There are some couples who include weekends as part of this equation, but my recommendation is that in most cases, weekends should be reserved for time together as a couple or time with family. 

8. Be conscious of time and state. You’re likely to create conflict if you stumble in, inebriated, at one in the morning. It is also less likely that your partner will be inclined to encourage you to take time for yourself too soon. Be responsible and respectful of each other and talk about boundaries that you both feel comfortable working within.  

9. People transition differently. Some have a more difficult time transitioning from a single, carefree independent lifestyle to that of having to ‘answer’ to another person ("don’t treat me like a child” syndrome). Others may be more accepting of the responsibilities and changes that go along with becoming a couple. If you accept that everyone is different, you may be more understanding of the position that your partner is coming from.

10. Time apart can be healthy.  Time apart can better your time together. If you are able to negotiate an amount of time that feels right for each of you and come to an agreement about where, when, how and with whom to spend that time apart, then when you come together, you may feel more connected and appreciate one another more. 

HelpMeSara's 10 Tips for Families on Ways to Say “I Love You”

With Valentine’s and Family Day just around the corner, you may not only be thinking of ways to say “I love you” to your partner, but to other members of your immediate family too.

Saying “I love you” is not nearly as meaningful if our actions don’t match our words.  Showing love takes effort and intention. Combined, words and actions have a powerful effect.  So, what are your plans for showing love this month?

Here are some suggestions for showing love all year round:

1. Disconnect from technology. Connect with each other. One way of doing this is to deposit your Blackberry, IPOD, DS and any other distracting electronic device in a bowl at your front door. Retrieve when you leave to go out again. Resist the urge to check emails and texts throughout the day, especially while in the company of others. Encourage family members to avoid screens of any sort for specific periods of the day. Giving your undivided attention to the people you love is worth more than money can buy.

2. Do the unexpected. Prepare a snack, make someone you love a cup of tea or breakfast in bed when they least expect it. Clear the dishes in the sink and put a load of laundry in the washer without being asked. Offer to drive your child or partner when he or she is anticipating taking the bus. Don’t wait for an occasion such as Valentine’s Day or a birthday to plan a special event or reserve a table at your favourite restaurant. Include a special “thinking of you” note in a lunch box. Sprinkle rose petals on your bed.

3. Make someone else happy. On occasion, going to see a movie of his choice, even though it’s last on your list, says “I love you.” The same is true for listening to rock music, when you’d rather listen to jazz, for example. Hopefully, this show of love will be reciprocated on another occasion.

4. Schedule family time. As opposed to having each family member off in his or her own corner of the house, doing his or her own thing all the time. Making time to sit together as a family over several meals during the week, taking time to play a board game or even watch a favourite television show together, creates a feeling of connectedness. Even though most children would never admit to it, they enjoy the feeling that coming together as family evokes. It’s these times that they will remember fondly when they are on their own.

5. Be playful. When life gets too serious, play hide and seek, wrestle on the floor or skip down the street, arms linked. We’re never too old to let our hair down and to get back in touch with our childlike selves. The times that I’ve gotten into play fighting and tickling matches with my kids are some of my most treasured moments – and it doesn’t have to stop, even between adults.

6. Say hello and goodbye. It’s easy, as you rush out the door in the morning to forget to say goodbye. Try to remember. Saying goodbye and offering good wishes for a great day ahead says that you care. When you come back home, take time to connect with your family members. Catch up on the news of the day. If you’re occupied when someone arrives home after some time away, finish what you are doing quickly or stop to enquire how that person is doing. These points of connection are vital.

7. Take care of one another. Massage aching feet, offer a hot water bottle or a blanket when someone you love is cold, run a bath with bubbles and make sure that your family eats nourishing food. These are some of the caring ways to say “I love you.”

8. Set clear limits for your children. Even though your children will say that they hate having a curfew and resent having to live by your rules, they inwardly know that the rules you have set are because you care. Asking them to return home at a reasonable time and to live with certain restrictions is your way of saying that you care enough to set clear, loving limits and that you love them enough to make sure that your rules are adhered to.

9. Work as a team. When each family member knows that they have a role to play at making sure that projects get completed, that routine runs smoothly at home, he or she feels an integral part of a family unit. When you sit down as a family to discuss an upcoming family vacation or a difficulty that the family is facing, and then ask for everyone’s input, you are showing that you love them enough to include them in your discussion and that you value their input.

10. Say “I love you” with conviction. Anyone can say “I love you” but said too often or recited as part of a perfunctory goodbye ritual, these words can sound empty. Instead, cup your partner’s face in your hands, look into his or her eyes and say “I love you” with expression and emotion. Hug your children tight (if they’ll let you) and whisper “I love you.” Said at the right time and not over used, these words, combined with acts of caring, will convey their intended special message.

HelpMeSara's 10 Tips Towards Great New Year Resolutions

No matter the day on which January 1st falls, it feels like a Monday. Time to begin another diet and exercising daily just like the Monday before. No wonder that weight loss programs and gyms see a huge spike during the first week of January. My guess is that losing weight and becoming healthier are the most common new years resolutions on peoples’ lists, mine included. This year, however, I’m thinking of what else I might want to tackle with increased vigour and motivation. I’ve included some of my ideas, along with invited resolutions from friends and family below (in random order):

1. Take time for oneself.  One friend wrote that he’d like to return to meditation. He accepts that life is different since becoming a dad. The two hours he used to put aside each day for silent reflection is no longer possible. However, he has realized that instead of working through his lunch hour, he can close his office door and use that quiet space and time to get back to meditating.  Other ways to take time for oneself may include, as one friend wrote, to “take up passions of my younger years such as piano, flute and dance!”  And from one mother: “To think of myself FIRST.  This is not the same as:  Think of myself ONLY. Frankly, you are better for everyone else if you take care of yourself first.  Mothers forget that,” she wrote.

2. Make time for others. Some of the resolutions I received included “Do a good deed for someone every day,”  “take up volunteer work” and “see my friends once a week instead of only once a month.” One friend said she was planning to “help others more with advice or actions rather than with things.”

3. Clear the clutter. Several people, myself included, want to create more empty space in their lives. Conquering the pile of papers, medical receipts, bills, birthday cards and kid’s projects may seem insurmountable at first, but as you sort through, throw out, categorize and put away you’ll feel the heaviness of seeing that pile collecting dust fall away. Clearing clutter also includes sorting through and eliminating clothes that you haven’t worn in a year or longer (although I long for the denim jumpsuit that is back in fashion!). If you have a difficult time parting with “stuff” you may find it helpful to put the old unwanted items into a bag, knot it tightly and write the date on the outside. Place it in the garage. Then, if you haven’t looked for those items within six months of that date, donate the bag of items to a charitable organization. The trick is not to open the bag once it’s knotted or you’ll want to bring “stuff” back inside the house!

4. Spend wisely. One resolution I received was to “pay all household bills on time and to not over use credit cards.” Another was not to spend on impulse but to think longer before making purchases that may not seem as necessary tomorrow as they do today. Also, to clip coupons and take them with you when shopping. 

5. Floss every day. Despite how tired you are at the end of the day, remember the long term consequences of not taking care of yourself.  Along with flossing, some resolutions I received included remembering to drink more water, eat healthier food and to actually take the supplements and vitamins you bought to keep your body healthy - instead of waiting for them to expire and then discarding them!

6. Don’t fall behind. Do you find that there’s often leftover laundry from the week’s pile when its time to begin again? My resolution is to keep up so that there’s nothing undone by the beginning of the following laundry week. And how about keeping up to date with 8mm video tapes and photo albums – real or virtual – cataloguing, dating and organizing for future reference. Keeping on top of routine chores can be tiresome but a necessary evil unless you’re prepared to deal with daunting tasks when you finally get around to tackling them later on.  

7. Face fears. Some resolutions included tackling a fear of flying, the dentist and heights. Others included getting back in touch with a friend or family member after a period of separation, despite the fear of possible rejection. Quitting smoking, fighting a bad habit or confronting an internal demon may be difficult but empowering. 

8. Better oneself. Several great resolutions included going back to school to further an education or begin a change of career.  Some resolutions included being less judgemental of others and one great mom of adult children wrote “Accepting the fact that my adult children don’t have to agree with me all the time. They are entitled to their own opinions and shouldn’t be berated for them.” And another wrote “I will look for the positive in any human being.”

9. Appreciate family. I have resolved to call my mother in law more often and to remember and appreciate that she is the reason my husband came to be. Several great resolutions included putting technology aside to focus on family more. One mom said she planned on leaving her laptop and blackberry at home when on family vacations or on outings together. A wife and mom wrote about her plans to get to know her husband again. She felt that after years of hard work and time away from one another, she had ignored their relationship. Her resolution was to work on that. One grandmother said she planned on spending more quality time with her grand daughter.

10. Give thanks and stay positive.  One wise friend wrote, “I resolve to treat each day and person as something special and not simply wait for a holiday or new years day or any so called "special" day to be grateful and appreciative of those people and circumstances around me.” Another wrote “I want to try to live in the moment.  To be present in the now and appreciate everything that I have.” Amen.

HELPMESARA’s Ten Tips Towards Surviving Holiday Stress 
 

For some, this time of year conjures up warm and fuzzy memories of being with people they love. Of cozy mornings sipping hot chocolate in front of beckoning fireplace embers, of looking forward to opening gifts and revelling in the pleasure of giving.

For many, however, this time of year is filled with dread. The memories are not so warm and fuzzy. In fact, they are sometimes heated and uncomfortable. Coming together as a family is not always as one would hope. Thoughts that this time might be different than last often fades as old tensions and unresolved issues emerge. For many, the stress associated with wanting to fulfill another’s wish list or keeping up with an over committed schedule may prove overwhelming. Below are ten tips for coping with the stress that this time of year often brings:

1. Change your expectations. Don’t expect that this year will be different or better than the last. Decide to just accept what is – for better or worse. Try to erase the images of years gone by and start fresh.
2. Don’t try to live up to other’s expectations. Be who you are. If you can’t afford to give large, expensive gifts, purchase a smaller, just as thoughtful gift. Or if you feel up to it, make something yourself. These often make the most special gifts.
3. Dress for comfort, not to impress. If you can’t be bothered with formal attire and you know you’re going to be uncomfortable just because you feel that there is an expectation to dress a certain way, consider your own needs. You can still dress appropriately and respectfully without having to pretend to be someone you are not.
4. Change things around.  If you’re just keeping up with old traditions for traditions sake and not because they feel good, then consider changing things around. Create new traditions. For example, if you’ve always hosted a big meal and prepared everything yourself, but are tired of doing this, then consider a pot luck dinner at someone else’s house.
5. Take time for yourself. This time of year is typically when friends and family catch up on seeing one another. If this works for you, then enjoy. However, if you usually exit the holiday season feeling exhausted, consider spending some time on your own or with immediate family only – to relax and unwind.  
6. Toss obligatory chores. If you’ve been sending holiday greeting cards to the same people every year just because you feel a sense of obligation to do so, stop. Chances are that the recipient will sense that a once a year obligatory card is just that. Send cards and gifts to only those you really care about and waste less time taking on chores you would rather do without.
7. Do away with wish lists. Although wish lists may be extremely helpful for some, they are often a recipe for disappointment. When children especially, don’t have all (or most) of their wish list fulfilled, they are bound to feel upset. Aside from the items often being big ticket ones, wish lists take away the opportunity for the giver to be creative or to think about what the recipient might want or need. Children often feel disappointed if a parent deviates from the list and ungrateful children typically leave parents feeling disappointed too.
8. Redefine giving. Instead of focussing on material gift giving, discuss other options with your family. For example, spend time helping out at a soup kitchen or a food bank with your family so that you can experience the value of giving your time – that’s priceless.
9. Don’t overindulge. If you’re feeling stressed, try not to drown your stressors by drinking or eating excessively. This will only add to your stress later on. Rather, go for a walk or vent your stress on a punching bag.
10. See your therapist. Knowing the stress that this time of the year   often brings,  book an appointment with your therapist in advance of the holidays so that once the flurry of activity is over, you can vent. 
    
    
    
    

HelpMeSara’s Ten tips towards Halloween do’s and don’ts

Attention all parents: It’s time, once again, to pull out the pumpkin carving set and creepy crawler decorations in preparation for Halloween. I’m sure your house is already buzzing with excitement and anticipation. Children are eager to help plan out which costume to wear – from sparkling princess to goth or ghost, even wee ones are thrilled to play dress up and then parade up and down the streets, filling their bags with loot. This year, Halloween falls on a Saturday which means that little ghosts and goblins, princesses and pirates may be allowed to stay outside, weather permitting, a little later than on a school night.  Bonus!

As your children mark off the days until Halloween, here are some tips to consider:

1. Always accompany young children on their trip around the neighbourhood. Those who have entered the double digits (ten and up) may not want you coming up to the door of each house, so you may linger back or walk behind your child and his or her group of friends, if they prefer.
2. Remind your teen about manners and about not taking advantage of being ‘tricky’ on Halloween night. Talk about the difference between a trick and vandalism. Remind them about showing respect – saying please and thank you, not pushing ahead of younger children and not ringing on doorbells late at night or when lights are turned out on the front porch.
3. Stay outside. Remind children that they should remain outside the house when accepting a treat. Even if they are invited inside to experience an amazing haunted adventure, they should resist the temptation to enter.
4. Choose a light and comfortable receptacle to carry candy. A large pillow case (decorated for Halloween even) is a great way for your child to lug all his loot. And if it gets too heavy, he can even throw it over his shoulder.
5. Stay safe. Be seen. Along with glow sticks or flashlights, encourage your children to wear some reflective or light coloured clothing so that they are easily visible to traffic. You can also add reflective tape to your child’s outfit. Also make sure that their outfits are made of material that is flame resistant and not too long so as to avoid tripping over.
6. A word about masks. Try to avoid those costumes that require masks that cover the entire face or eyes. Children need their eyes to guide them down dimly lit streets and small eye holes in masks are often not good enough to allow them to see their way safely as they walk. Make-up is a great alternative.
7. Sort through the goodies with an adult. When you and your children finally arrive back home, ask them to dump everything on the floor and sort through it. We usually make several piles: one of items they don’t want to keep (the smallest pile), one specifically for candies, another for bags of chips or popcorn and the last for miscellaneous items such as pencils. We also make sure that every item is in a sealed wrapper. Candies that are loose automatically get thrown away. Candies that cannot be identified also get thrown away.
8. Swapping candies. If you have more than one child, your children may choose to swap items with one another. One child may love chocolate but not chips, for example, and therefore may be happy to make an exchange. Monitor this to make sure that younger children are not being taken advantage of!
9. Forbidden fruit. I have found that if you whisk away the candies too soon or become too strict about how and when the children can have theirs, they crave them more – just like forbidden fruit.  I have found that by just leaving the bowl of candy on the kitchen table post Halloween, the children often become immune to seeing it sit there and after a few days, lose interest and walk by it without reaching into it.
10. Respect differences. Some families choose not to take part in Halloween festivities because they believe that it is a Pagan holiday. Although it may be difficult to convince your children why anyone would not want to dress up and get goodies, encourage sensitivity and tolerance towards others’ beliefs. You may even want to become familiar with the story behind Halloween and how it came to be and then share some of this with your children.

Be safe and enjoy!

Ten Tips Towards Developing Character in Your Children

By Sara Dimerman

We all want to help our kids become caring, courageous, positive and principled people.  But in today’s hectic, information-overdosed world there seem to be a thousand influences on them that we are not always happy about. And when they don’t act like the kind of people we hoped they would be, we often feel out of control, out of ideas and worried about how to turn things around.

As a parent educator and therapist, I often hear parents wishing that their children would: take greater initiative at home and school, be more able to put themselves in others’ shoes, take more responsibility for their actions, value togetherness as a family, consistently treat peers, adults and themselves with respect, be more honest even when the truth is difficult to share, courageously face fears, persist through challenges and be less influenced by negative peer pressure and more able to stand up for what they believe in. This can be summed up as demonstrating character.

The questions below are offered as food for thought. Your answers will provide you with clues as to whether or not you have embraced opportunities to model each trait for or with your children. You have the power and influence to bring about changes in your children and to help them develop character. I have focussed on ten key character traits, listed in random order.

     1.  INITIATIVE:

-          When new neighbours move onto your street or into your building, how do you welcome them?

-          When a chore needs taking care of at home, do you usually offer or wait to be asked?

-          Would you describe yourself as a “leader” or a “follower?”

      2.  INTEGRITY:

-          If one of your peers speaks badly about another person with whom you are friends, do you stand up for your friend or join in on the slanderous conversation?

-          Is it difficult to follow through with your plans if you are being encouraged to take part in some other activity?

-     Do your values and beliefs change depending on whether your children are around?

 
3.   OPTIMISM?

-      Do you tend to see the cup half full or half empty?

-      When it’s difficult to see your way through a maze of difficulty, do you focus on getting to the exit or at being stuck where you are?

-      How do you help your children meet your expectations? By focussing on improvement, effort and interest or by looking at what they are doing wrong and then giving them pointers about how they can do things differently?

4.  PERSEVERANCE:

-       If you’re stuck on a difficult crossword puzzle or project, do you give up and walk away prematurely? Walk away and come back to finish later or walk away and never return?

-       When your child wants Velcro laces because he or she is having difficulty learning to tie shoelaces, what do you do and say?

-       How soon do you allow your child to let go of an activity because it is too challenging?

5.  RESPECT:

-       How do you talk to your elders even if you are frustrated and feeling impatient?

-       Do you wait for a traffic light to turn green before crossing the street, even if there are no cars around?

-       How do you model self respect?

6.  RESPONSIBILITY

-      How does your family work towards dividing chores as a team? Are chores delegated by people in a position of authority or as a result of a more democratic process?

-      If your child repeatedly forgets his or her lunch at home, do you always drop it off at school?

-      Do you follow through with your promises and obligations?

 7. EMPATHY:

-      If your child says that he or she is hungry shortly after dinner is over and you can’t understand why this should be, what do you do and say?

-      If your child says that he or she is hot when you are feeling cold, what do you do or say?

-      When your child is upset and tells you about a nasty incident at school, how do you react, even if you suspect that he or she may have been partly to blame?

  8. FAIRNESS:
-      Do you feel the need to give each of your children the identical item each time you make a new purchase, even if it is not necessary?

-      Do you typically take care of the chores that you ask of them eg do you make your bed if that is what you expect of them?

-      Do you try to remain neutral when two of your children are fighting or do you tend to take sides?

9. COURAGE:

-      When your child is afraid, do you usually tell him or her that there is nothing to be afraid of or do you acknowledge his or her fears as real and then use encouragement as a way of helping your child face what he or she is afraid of?

-      Do your children know that you have fears too?

-      Do you expect boys and girls to react differently to fears?

 10. HONESTY:

-      What do you say if your child asks if the tooth fairy or Santa Claus is real?

-      Are you ever dishonest about your child’s age to avoid paying a higher price for admittance to an event?

-      Do you encourage your child to say sorry even if you know that he or she probably isn’t?