Family therapist Jennifer Kolari is here to answer your burning questions on a number of issues from getting your baby to sleep, tantrums, relationship, family and marital issues, to potty training – and everything in between!  Each and every Thursday, a new question or issue will be addressed.

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Jennifer Kolari, M.S.W., R.S.W.

Jennifer Kolari is a therapist who has been helping children, teens and families get connected for 20 years. Jennifer published her first book in 2009 with Penguin Group USA and Penguin Canada. She has appeared in magazines such as Today’s Parent and Canadian Family, and on Canada AM, Breakfast Television, and CBC’s Steven and Chris. Her insightful strategies, shared with warmth and humour make her a highly sought-after speaker with schools, organizations and agencies throughout North America.

Jennifer spent several years counseling children, teens and parents for the Toronto District School Board and serving as a field supervisor for the University of Toronto faculty of Social Work. Before that she was a family therapist at Integra, a children's mental health centre in Toronto. Jennifer lives in Toronto with her husband and their three children.

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We have a 2 year old boy who has recently started pushing and shoving other children. He has never done this before, and we don't know how to effectively deal with this. We've tried being stern with him, tried time outs,  and have tried to re-direct/distract, but he seems intent on doing it, almost as if he is trying to get a rise out of us. We think he might feel jealous of the other children, but we're not sure. What is the best way to re-direct, or consequence him at this age to teach him that this is not acceptable behaviour. He is usually such an easygoing & happy child. Thanks.

It is not uncommon for two year olds to all of a sudden start hitting, pushing or even biting. They are experiencing all kinds of big feelings like excitement, anger or frustration and have no idea what to make of it all. Controlling those impulses is very hard and they often do these things without planning or thinking about it. Sometimes it’s like pushing a button to see what happens. They pinch someone and the person starts screaming. They can count on a big show and an exciting reaction every time. This behavior does not mean he will be like this forever, it is a stage and it will most likely pass. 

In the meantime other mothers and their children will be upset by this behavior and this will have a negative impact on him. In order to stop this behavior you will have to be neutral, calm and very consistent. I would continue to use distraction and all the things you have been using. It can take a bit of time for some kids to correct certain behaviors. I would also suggest sticking with the sitting out. The “you hit you sit” formula can work really well. Front load him (without lecturing) before he begins to play, tell him that every time he hits or pushes that he will have to sit for a few minutes (two or three minutes for his age is fine). When he does hit or push, in a calm and totally neutral way, walk him to the spot you have selected. Don’t shame him and try not to lecture him all the way to “time out” or when the sitting time is over. When he has finished his time, go back to business as usual like it never happened. When he hits again even if it is 5 seconds later, repeat this process. You may have to do this many times. The key is to repeat this over and over again as an interruption so he learns it will disrupt his play and that this behavior is not worth it. If he hits too often during play time at a friend’s or at the park you may need to leave. He will be upset but this is important because the next time he will remember he had to leave and this should have a positive impact on his behavior.

You can also try calling the behavior something like the “hitting bug” and work together to find ways to keep the hitting bug from spoiling his fun. Don’t forget to catch him being good and notice the times that he stops himself from pushing or hitting. Balance all of this with lots of cuddles, kisses and good quality time and you should see this behavior reduce significantly within a couple of weeks. Good luck.